Chapters

  1. 01.
  2. 02.
  3. 03.

There is considerable pressure on students to achieve high grades in academic examinations. Their final marks can make the difference between acceptance or rejection from further studies in that subject or from their chosen university. Unfortunately, that extreme pressure comes from all sides:

  • your parents and wider family
  • your neighbours, particularly if you live in a close-knit community
  • your teachers and other school personnel
  • exam boards, even though you don't personally know anyone there
  • your mates, including classmates
  • yourself

Now, nobody's saying all these people are actively putting pressure on you. Your caregivers aren't warning you to 'Pass, or else!'. Your mates are (hopefully) not bullying you, even if it's the "You're so stupid!" kind of teasing. And the school certainly isn't threatening you with running laps or keeping you after hours if you fail to perform as expected.

Expected. Expectations are real killers, aren't they? Your family and teachers expect you to pass. If your mates think you're the smartest one in the group... Guess whose expectations you're carrying into the exam room with you? But of all these pressure sources, the stress of success you put on yourself is the heaviest burden of all.

And if things are that way for you, they're the same for your friends, too. All of that stress and pressure... All of those expectations can result in feelings of anxiety in the face of exam failure.

Those of you who don’t attain the required marks may feel that you’ve let yourselves and others down. That's a cause for a significant dip in self-esteem. However, there’s every chance of overcoming exam failure with the support of trusted friends and family members.

As Winston Churchill famously said: “Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.” If you find yourself in the position of having to cheer a friend through a bad turn due to exam failure, that would be a great line to start off with. You can follow that brilliant insight with these other, more targeted strategies.

What's the Situation?

Much as society would like to paint children with the same brush, each one of us is different. Despite our individuality, we have to wear the same school uniform and hear "Well, that's kids these days, innit?" from every corner. Lumping us all together and dressing us identically doesn't mean we are one, huge, homogeneous body.

Some students have a greater economic advantage. They can afford the time to take another round of exams. And a private tutor to guide their revision efforts, too. For some of us, exams are make-or-break. We'll only get the one shot and if it falls short, we're all out of chances. We'll have to radically rethink our life choices.

Two women with long hair standing arm in arm in front of a field of flowers
Lend your mate quiet support until they're ready to talk about their perceived failure. Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Before you go about consoling your devastated friend, you need to take these things into consideration. Telling them they'll have a chance to re-sit may serve as a depressing reminder of their precarious position rather than a reason for renewed determination. And even if they're not in a last-ditch-effort situation, they simply may not have the fortitude to have another go.

What if neither of you passed? In that case, you'll have to cope with your exam failure before you can help your friends manage their situations. Once through the worst of your fallout, you might be tempted to apply the same techniques to your friends' misery. It's worth a shot, of course, but remember that what worked for you might not go for them.

A Roadmap to Effective Support

Let's restate that we're all unique in our thoughts, feelings and circumstances. However, we're linked by common phenomena. Psychology is just one of those uniting factors. No matter our cultural background or beliefs, humans all over the world respond the same way in a given set of circumstances. Thus, these four strategies, adjusted to the current situation, should help your mate bounce back.

A Time for Honesty and Humour

Let's say you're a high-achieving friend of someone who has suffered exam failure. You might worry about being perceived as patronising and condescending. Indeed, your mate may lash out at you, accusing you of those very traits. Remember that doing so is a self-defence mechanism on their part. Try not to take it personally.

You might overcome these initial perceptions by reflecting upon your own setbacks and weaknesses. Tell your friend about the time you were rejected by the girl/boy of your dreams. Or failed your driving test because of a couple of silly mistakes behind the wheel. Explain how you found the strength and determination to refocus on future success.

They're bound to appreciate your sense of positivity and humour. Maybe not at first; not when they're still reeling from the shock of failing. And possibly quaking under all the perceived disapproval of everyone who believed in them and was let down. (That's something else to take under consideration when consoling.) Failure, after all, is a perfectly natural part of human progression. It's one of the fundamental ways we learn.

Helpful Academic Guidance

There’s every chance you’ll be able to offer a positive outside perspective on exam failure. It might be that your friend hasn’t achieved the expected grade in one or more subjects. But they may have done significantly better in others. It's quite common for students to pick a few throwaway subjects for their GCSE and A-Level courses, isn't it? Those are subjects that the student doesn't intend to pursue. They're filler courses, just to round out their selections.

What if it turns out that your mate scored better in some of those throwaways than in the subjects they were passionate about? Now could be the time for them to consider a change in direction. You should encourage them to tap into this newly discovered aptitude. Together, you might explore future career possibilities that would be open to them with further study of those subjects. You could even provide the details of a tutor who played a significant part in your exam success. Now is not the time to give up!

Four people wearing shorts stand arm in arm at the edge of a cliff at sunset
You need a strong support network to carry you through your roughest times. Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash

Overcoming the Setback

It’s worth emphasising that people across the world have used exam failure as a springboard to future success. In the United Kingdom, we are privileged to have various educational routes and means of career advancement. For instance, instead of enrolling in Sixth Form right after school-leaving exams, we can look for apprenticeships or other types of training.

Dr Terri Apter, Senior Tutor at Newnham College says: “The most important thing is not to see your A-Level grades as an indication of your innate intelligence or innate ability. It’s just one step in a whole process. I have colleagues who failed the 11 plus and went on to be fantastic scientists. Some of them weren’t offered a place at Cambridge as undergraduates. But they have gone on to achieve such a standard that they have been employed by the university as scholars and researchers.”

We must remember that exams are equal parts of demonstrating knowledge and meeting expectations. Not your family's or your neighbours, but those of the teachers and testing bodies. Have you ever read over a GCSE or A-Level examiner's report - for any qualification? Those documents lay out examiners' expectations and explain how students failed to meet them.

You may point out that exam marks are subjective, to a point. Your gutted mate might appreciate knowing how they might have fared better. Were it not for some ephemeral someone's opinion of what a full answer consists of... Indeed, a part of the rub with exams is that you may get an answer technically right. But you could still lose points because you simply weren't expressive enough.

The Importance of Simply Being There

Be ready for your mate to be so angry and upset that they reject your well-intentioned advice and encouragement. You should be prepared to take a step back and allow some time for the negative feelings to subside. Maybe, instead of jumping right into 'fixing things' mode, you could invite them to watch a fun or inspiring film. Mental health professionals say that distracting from the trouble is an effective way to gain distance from the event that caused it.

No matter what, make it clear you’ll be available for a chat whenever your friend wants. It may be best to avoid subjects of school and examinations altogether for a while. Instead, arrange an activity or an outing you can enjoy together, like the aforementioned movie night. The recovery process will be much quicker if your friend refocuses on the enjoyable aspects of life and doesn’t mull over the results.

Supporting Your Friend: What Not to Do

Everybody blunders. Even solicitors, doctors and mental health professionals are compelled to 'be right' in, and for, every situation. That's the nature of their profession. And yet, occasionally, they say the wrong thing or give bad advice. Good intentions aside, they've been trained to be correct - but still err. What are your chances of misstepping, given that you have no such training or conditioning? These tips should help you avoid making the situation worse.

Are You Ready to Talk?

Pressuring someone to open up when they're not yet ready is a recipe for disaster. Whatever you do, don't say things like "But you gotta get it off your chest!". Avoid any platitudes: "A burden shared is a burden halved!" or "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Even the ubiquitous "I'm here for you" may grate more than soothe.

Instead, take the subtle approach. You can watch for body language clues; they will tell you your mate is finally ready to open up. We'll talk more about those in a minute. Also, try to avoid asking any topic-specific questions. Asking if they want to go for a coffee or if they want chips is fine, of course.

 

Decoding Body Language

If your friend isn't making eye contact, count that as an expression of shame and pain - unless it's their normal communication style. If they turn away from you - either their face or body, they're not ready to talk yet. If they're more hunched over than usual, they're in self-protective mode. If they're unusually still, count that as them trying to make themselves disappear.

When these signals are present, non-verbal communication is your best option. Without saying a word, you might set their favourite sweet in front of them. Try putting a comforting hand on their shoulder. A supportive text message would work, too. Not along the lines of "I'm worried about you, let's talk.". More to the tune of "I'm thinking about you and hope you're okay."

Stress and anxiety can manifest physically. Picking at oneself, biting fingernails, hypnotically fingering clothing... These and other small behaviours may signal that your mate is ready to talk but doesn't quite know how to get started. Things like squared shoulders and making eye contact are more positive signs. At this point, you may signal your availability and willingness to talk.

Two people sitting on tree stumps by a body of water at sunset, slightly turned from one another but apparently talking.
Ask your friend open-end questions and monitor their body language for clues to how they really feel. Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

Questions!

"Are you ready to talk?" is a closed question. Your mate could answer with yes, no, or leave me alone. It's not an invitation to open up; it's a request for information. By contrast, "Tell me everything!" or some version thereof leaves the field wide open. Your friend can take the conversation anyplace they want.

You want to communicate that they should lay everything out, but you have to let them know that you're actively listening. "Uh-huh", "Go on" and "I hear you" are unconvincing fillers. Feedback questions are much more effective. "So, let me get this straight..." followed by a summary of what they just said proves that they have your full attention. Of course, if you don't understand something they say, don't hesitate to ask what they mean.

"What About Me?"

Often, to build consensus and create solidarity, people will relate a similar experience or feeling when their friend talks. "I love this bag!" / "Yeah, me too!" is great. Interjecting "Well, when I was..." as they unburden themselves rather steal their thunder. Turning the conversation back towards yourself defeats your purpose.

Letting your mate talk freely is the point. Later, you can find common ground; right now, you need to let them map out the ground. Know that you're already recognised. After all, they're speaking with you, right? Your patient, kind, non-judgmental presence is all they need, for now.

Waiting for them to open up must have been as painful as waiting for exam results was. Still, if you manage it well, you'll both come out better on the other side. Good luck!

Enjoyed this article? Leave a rating!

5.00 (3 rating(s))
Loading...

Joseph

Joseph is a French and Spanish to English translator, language enthusiast, and blogger.