These days, many world leaders seem to share a common factor; one unusual in a leader. Former US president Trump is an egregious example of such but even UK leaders have demonstrated a profound lack of social skills. Arguably, civilisation is much worse off for it.

Are we to believe that these men were never taught to share or care? Were they raised in an unloving environment, one where trust was less of a driver than the competition and winning at all costs? As they grew up, did they conclude that life amounts to nothing more than a zero-sum game?

Though fascinating, it's not important to debate how some of the world's most impactful politicians came by their worldview. What really matters at this moment is how we move forward from the chaos sown by some of those leaders. The best way to do that is to teach children how to function in society. How to create a positive atmosphere where everyone has an equal stake in everything.

Once, we believed that children learned social skills as a matter of course. We now know that is not the case; parents put effort into shaping their children's ability to function in society. Generally overlooked social skills parents teach their kids to include:

  • sharing - toys, food and taking turns
  • respect: saying 'please' and 'thank you', 'excuse me' and 'bless you'
  • behaving appropriately in a given setting; not shouting in a library, for instance.
  • politeness
  • manners
  • kindness and charity

At the minimum, schools require Early Years Foundation students (EYFS) to have mastered these basic social skills; schoolteachers only expand on them. You might compare such learning to an apprenticeship. Apprentices learn job skills by mingling with peers in a controlled environment. 

Learning and interacting in a group setting are essential skill builders. But where do children who are home-schooled get that type of exposure and experience? That is what your Superprof talks about today.

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Let's go

What Are Social Skills?

It used to be that running around half-clad or in ill-fitting clothing was considered socially repugnant. These acts were clear signs that one must be socially inept. Today, exposed skin and form-fitting clothing, as well as oversized and ripped garments have become fashion trademarks.

Each of these extremes represents how to present oneself in society but one's fashion sense does not necessarily represent social skills. So what are social skills? They are a set of socially-acceptable behaviours and personal characteristics. In common language, social skills mark the difference between someone who respects your personal space and anyone willing to get in your face.

Two women sit side by side on a couch, looking at one another and smiling broadly while behind them, the silver and green Christmas tree gives off a festive air.
Social skills take time and training to learn. Photo credit: J. McPherskesen on Visualhunt.com / CC BY-NC-SA

It's easy to imagine that most parents want their youngsters to be able to function confidently in social situations, be liked and have friends. Caregivers want their kids to know what behaviours are appropriate in any situation. They want them to be able to convey ideas and make suitable responses to others.

As you might have guessed, listening tops the list of social skills that everyone should cultivate. There's a vast difference between hearing and listening, though. The latter means focusing on what your conversation partner says without thinking of your response while they are still talking - a common phenomenon that leads people to feel 'unmet'.

Along with listening, asking questions is a vital social skill. We're not talking about the perennial 'why?' that toddlers drive you to distraction with but open-ended questions designed to elicit information. You might think that is a tall order for a child to learn but you'd be surprised at how quickly and well kids master it.

Listening and questioning are two of the most important social skills to teach. In fact, so vital are they that home educators make ample use of resources that help foster those skills. But some social skills are less visible; you maybe never thought of them as social skills.

Recognising and identifying feelings is the first step towards becoming empathetic towards other people. Contrary to popular belief, we are not born empathetic; we learn how to be through our experiences and guided lessons. Learning early to recognise feelings makes us more self-assured. Recognising one's feelings and the reasons for them allows us to see our range of emotions reflected in other people.

In this article's introduction, we mentioned that charity is a social skill everyone should learn. In this sense, charity doesn't mean giving to relief organisations - although that is certainly part of a socially skilled person's ethos. Rather, it represents an absence of judgment against people who are not like us. Charity is the willingness to learn about and appreciate differences rather than hold others to account for not being like us.

Social Skills Across Cultures

In China, it is perfectly acceptable for people to stand very close to you. If you welcome a Chinese person into your home, don't be surprised if they open your cabinets and drawers to see what's inside. Western cultures would deem such actions an egregious invasion of privacy. But in Asian cultures, permitting such explorations signals openness and willingness to share.

When teaching social skills, cultural competencies must also be considered. For instance, some cultures venerate their elders so one shouldn't raise an eyebrow about how older people are treated even if it makes you uncomfortable. If one takes their children to a Korean or Japanese restaurant where the host and waitstaff bow to them, that's an opportunity to teach about how other cultures show respect. 

We live in a globalised society wherein each culture has its standards. We may think it rude if a guest doesn't at least offer to help wash up after a meal. But woe to you if you step foot in the kitchen of a family whose culture believes that the guest is royalty!

Teaching children that social competencies are not the same everywhere in the world is vital to expanding their understanding of how societies work. They will soon grasp that some of the good manners in our culture might be considered insults in other countries.

Two women wearing black shirts walk among parked scooters and motorbikes as they talk. In the background, colourful patio umbrellas front a line of concessions stands.
What's acceptable in a particular social setting or culture may be frowned upon in another Photo credit: Beegee49 on VisualHunt.com / CC BY-ND

Thoughts on Teaching Social Skills

Developing social skills is an important part of education; it is also an issue often raised in connection with home education. It’s commonly assumed that children gain social skills from being in school but this is not entirely the case. Being around mature social adults as well as other children in a variety of settings teaches social competence. With that focus in mind, here are a few ideas to think about when guiding this process.

Children’s social competence develops through the opportunity to converse with others, particularly adults. So involving them in a mix of social situations, groups and activities aids this process. To improve cultural competencies, expose your children to as many socio-cultural situations as possible that are different from what they might experience in their usual circles.

Private conversations with our children can help them understand and learn what’s appropriate and what isn’t. which parent hasn't been mortified over their child wondering out loud why that person is so fat? In turn, these personal dialogues help kids interpret other people’s behaviour. Kids need to feel they can safely talk about things like social codes, bullying, and their social observations. 

Youngsters shouldn't be forced into interaction; forcing could do more harm than good, particularly if they are shy. Their social skills will develop naturally as they gain confidence and have the opportunity to practice social skills in a variety of situations. Children gain confidence in their dealings with others by watching how we conduct our interactions. They should interact in situations where they’re not threatened, embarrassed, ridiculed or put on the spot before they’re ready.

Be aware, though, that their confidence will fluctuate as they grow and go through changes, especially in adolescence. Parental guidance and support are crucial as they mature. They need to feel their role models are entirely on their side... but that doesn't mean parents should condone any bad behaviours they might test you with.

Everyone wants to be liked.

The basis of being liked lies in how we behave, both from our incentives and how we manage our relationships. For instance, let's say someone constantly interrupts the person speaking with them. They'll soon find that even their lifelong friends will stop answering their calls. Relationship management is so crucial that home educators teach those skills even during holidays.

Children need to understand how their actions affect others and how those actions influence what other people feel about them. They need to be mindful of how they come across and how others might perceive them, as part of their observations and growing understanding of social interactions. Talking about these things increases their awareness of the complex relationships that are a natural part of our everyday lives.

How to Teach and Improve Children's Social Skills

a small child dressed in a flowery pink outfit and wearing a grey hat sits atop a tricycle with yellow wheels while all around her people and buildings appear in greyscale.
A child with autism or other disability may need more intensive coaching to learn social skills Photo credit: Beegee49 on VisualHunt.com / CC BY-ND

Before we discuss general guidelines to teach social skills, let's talk for a moment about other-abled children. Being blind, deaf, physically different or autistic will pose a specific set of challenges on such child that most other kids would not have to deal with.

A large part of being socially competent is being able to pick up on non-verbal clues. Body language, tone of voice and facial expressions are all important aspects of communication that we normally draw context from. For instance, someone may express a willingness to be approached by facing their body toward you and opening their eyes wide, maybe even slightly smiling.

These are all clues that a visually impaired child or someone who is autistic could miss out on. Parents of autism-spectrum or otherwise impaired - even of introverted children have to work harder to ensure their kids' social competencies. That may mean teaching kids it's okay to proclaim their unique circumstances when warranted.

From children's earliest years, teaching them to share and be nice is a given. The key is encouraging them to share with other people, not just family members or select friends. This teaches the child that everyone is worth sharing with. Yes, but what about those toddler temper tantrums?

One reason that children have these episodes is frustration: they lack the tools and vocabulary to communicate what they want or feel. Teaching children baby sign language and how to decode non-verbal clues will help toddlers feel accepted and understood. Furthermore, it may boost his/her ability to function socially later on.

If a child is neurodiverse, learning to sign as a toddler could benefit their efforts at communicating later on, when expressing themselves becomes more difficult for them. Whether parents decide that baby sign language is right for their child or not, they should always speak with their child. Doing so helps kids develop language skills from an early age. What about communicating feelings?

If a toddler suddenly breaks into a shrieking frenzy, that is a golden opportunity to teach them how to identify what they're feeling and how to manage that emotion. Ask: "Are you angry?" while making an angry face. "Are you frustrated?" while miming frustration. "Are you hurt?" - again, mime the expression and body language that reflects pain.

Once we know what the child is feeling, we can show them how to deal with the situation that caused the emotion. It may take a few times for the child to realise that they can identify what ails him/her. Soon, there will be fewer tantrums and more resourceful management of situations the toddler finds themselves in - a remarkable sight to behold.

Parents may have to remind their toddlers to use their words occasionally, especially in times when the child feels overwhelmed. But overall, teaching them ways to express themselves and encouraging self-expression at every turn is a building block to mastering social skills. And as the child grows, teaching methods and what parents teach will have to evolve, too.

They should find opportunities for their family to get involved in the community. For the children, participating in organised sports, joining an art class or a church youth group would be excellent ways to expose them to a variety of situations where social skills are needed. Don't forget about your library's reading group!

Whether parents plan to send their children to school or home school, they should remember that they are their children's primary educators. Keeping kids' hearts and minds engaged by asking open-ended questions and encouraging discussion is the best way to improve their social competencies. Mastering these competencies could make the difference between deciding for or against a university education and even succeeding in their professional life.

Teaching kids good manners and how to behave is only half of what they need in their social skills toolkit. The rest - openness, empathy, curiosity and conversation, they'll pick up from their primary caregivers. Indeed, these social skills cannot be taught in the classroom.

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Joseph

Joseph is a French and Spanish to English translator, language enthusiast, and blogger.